One Set To Love

Characters

Jessica, the Manservant

Kenneth, his Master (in various guises)

Georgey, his Master’s friend

Anna

Dad, Anna’s

Various Lords

 

 

Scene 1

 

Jessica plays a broody little number on the violin. Sets aside his instrument and makes his way to set the table. Broody little number continues. J sets the table. Pours a glass of wine for K. K walks in as J finishes his duties. K inspects J’s efforts.

 

K : That will be all, Jessica.

J : Right you are, m’lud.

 

K appears to be on brink of heart failure. J turns to assist him.

 

K : That will be all Jessica!!

 

J exits. K reaches for his pocket and pulls out an old photograph. Starts to set photo alight from candle. Puts it out anon.

 

K : Can it really be ten years? Ten long years. Ten long lonely years. Ten long lonely loveless years. Ten long lonely loveless years languishing…….ohhh give yourself a break man!!

 

J enters.

 

J : The Gentleman is here, Sir.

K : Very good, Jessica. Show him in. Sandwiches, cucumber of course, at eleven, soocer or ruggers at twelve, a nice chilled Pimms at one, then frolicks all afternoon. Ah, how we’d frolick, tumbling in the long grass, the sun beating down.

It seemed that Summer would never end, that Summer of ………frolicks.

But then came…..ANNA!!!…..So elegant, (M & M establish Anna), so delicate, so very very pretty, her gold tooth glinting in the Summer sun, indeed the apple of every man’s eye…(while pulling out from Anna)…in a word…(to audience)…quite enchanting.

But, ahh, Georgey, Georgey. How I’ve waited, ten years, ten long years, ten long lonely years, ten long lonely loveless years, ten long lonely loveless years languishing…for Christ’s sake, man! I’ve told you before, stop punishing yourself!

Oh, it’s all water under the bridge now, Georgey..Georgey..

 

Scene 2

 

K enters

 

G : Kenneth!

K : Georgey!

 

A swashbuckling sword-fight immediately ensues. It ends with G disarming K.

 

K : Ah, good to see you haven’t lost it old boy.

G : Ah, it was nothing.

 

K puts swords away.

 

K : So how was the journey? Still, at least you’re nice and warm now.

 

Pause

 

K and G twice go to speak at the same time.

 

K : After you old boy.

G : Look, Kenneth, I’d just like to apologise if I caused you any misery all those years ago.

K : No, Georgey, I won’t hear of it. Now drink! Drink! It’s a Bordeaux Cabernet-Sauvignon, Château Les Bertrands, 1911, the best we have in our dark, dank scary cellar. I would pour for it for you myself but I’ve given Jessica the night off.

G : I say, that Jessica chap looks awfully familiar.

K : Ah yes, he used to work with…..

G : Oh yes, now I remember…a delightful vintage.

K : Glad you like it. I’ve been saving it especially.

 

Pause

 

They drink.

 

K : Well, here we are.

G : Yes. I thought our paths would never cross again, Kenneth.

K : It’s been a long time.

G : Yes. Ten years, ten long years, ten long lonely years, ten long…..

K : Yes, alright Georgey.

G : I wonder how the old gang are getting along. Such frolicks we had.

K : Do you remember when dear old Pinky caught his … in the dean’s …..?

G : Yes, I had to knock it out with a croquet mallet. Dear old Pinky.

K : Whatever happened to the chubby little oik?

G : Pinky? Didn’t you hear? He was involved in that dreadful misunderstanding with the camel herdsman in Kanduhar.

K : Oh yes, now that you mention it. Poor Pinky……Do you know I still haven’t forgotten the words to the old club song. Do you remember?

 

G & K together.

 

♫ Oh we’re the bards of Oxford,

    We write songs with our pen,

    We sing when we can in a caravan

    It’s parked up by the Glen

 

Ooh-wow, ooh-wow, ooh dicky-ding-ding-ding-deyo

Oh-wow, oh ↑ eh ↓ oh

How the rooster crows.

  

   K : I’ve just written a novel.

   G : Whilst I have penned a play.

   K : I am heterosexual.

   G : Whilst I swing either way.

 

Ooh-wow, ooh-wow, dicky-ding-ding-ding-ding-deyo

Oh-wow, oh ↑ eh ↓ oh

How the rooster crows. ♫

 

G : Ah, the good old days.

 

They sit

 

G : So, Kenneth, still with the bank?

K : No. Funny old story really. Got posted to Nairobi to run the show over there…well, when I say Nairobi I actually mean a small village by the name of Lumpopo.

G : Ah yes, Lumpopo. Beautiful, picturesque, home to the last indigenous tribe in all East Africa. Unspoilt, untouched by western hands.

K : Yes..it was.

G : I’m sorry?

K : See the thing is I was guest of honour at Chief Bimbaboo’s eldest daughter’s wedding. Enjoyed plenty of the local firewater and danced naked with Lady Bimbaboo….it was all going swimmingly, had a marvellous evening, rounded off with a lovely sacrificial lamb kebab. I retired to my hut and fell fast asleep. Unfortunately I’d left my pipe smouldering. I awoke next morning to see the entire village and all its inhabitants burnt to a crisp. In fact I was the only survivor……More wine Georgey?

G : Kenneth old chap, after the journey I’ve had I’m feeling terribly whacked. Would you mind awfully if I turned in for the night? You know, be nice and fresh for that pheasant-shoot you promised me.

K : Of course not old bean. I’ll get Jessica to show you to your room.

Jessica! Jessica!

G : I say, Kenneth, didn’t you give Jessica the night off?

K : Good heavens, so I did. Never mind, it’s quite straightforward.

Once you’ve crossed the threshold separating this unique example of an early Georgian banqueting hall and entered the finest representation of a Byzantine ante-chamber this side of Constantinople..you can’t go wrong.

G : I’m sure I’ll find it.

K : Good night Georgey.

G : Good night Kenneth.

K : Oh, just one last thing….

G : Yes..?

K : (After painful pause) Oh, it doesn’t matter.

G : Sleep well old boy.

K : Yes, you too Georgey.

 

G exits. K reaches for bottle. J enters.

 

K : I thought I’d given you the evening off Jessica.

J : You did Sir.

K :Then why in God’s name aren’t you drinking down at the One Set To Love?

J : Oh no Sir, I don’t drink at that pub anymore Sir, not since Jack ‘mad donkey’ Jones asked me to hold his…..Shall I bring the Stilton now, Sir?

K : I fear I’m not in the mood for cheese anymore……Play it for me, Jessica.

J : Play what, Sir?

K : You know what, Jessy.

J : Not that, Sir? Oh no, Sir. I don’t think that’s a terribly good idea. You know what effect that has on you Sir.

K : Play it damn you!

 

Jessica cues sound man and plays violin as K drinks with dark foreboding before dozing over table.

 

 

Scene 3

 

(Birdsong)

 

K : Well, Georgey, isn’t it great to be out in the fresh morning air!

G : Yes, the great outdoors.

K : Not a cloud in the sky.

G : Got the sun in my eye.

K : And I won’t be surprised if it’s a dream. You know I just wanted to say Georgey….

G : What?

 

Pause

 

K : (Stare as before). Well, it’s just great to have you here.

G : Yes, great to be here.

K : You know I’m absolutely thrilled with my catch so far this morning.

 

Displays his modest catch.

 

G : Yes, a great shot. And I’m quite pleased with these, too.

 

Displays his impressive haul of pheasants.

 

K : Yes, very good, very good old boy.

G : Do you get out shooting much Kenneth?

K : Can’t get enough of it. Out every other day. Ah, here we go.

 

Shoots three times. J (Matt does yell) yells on third.

 

K : For God’s sake, Jessica, what are you doing in that tree?! What about you, Georgey, get out shooting much?

G : You know, Kenneth, I haven’t been shooting in years. I can’t remember the last time.

 

Gun goes off. Ready-made roast chicken lands from the skies. Both look up in astonishment.

 

K : Good God! Good to see you haven’t lost it old boy.

G : Ah, it was nothing.

 

Drops rifle on foot and is in pain

 

G : Are you alright? (Repeat/echo)

 

Flashback sequence begins. The first meeting between G and K. Their dorms at uni. G is reading. K is practicing his tennis serve.

 

G : Are you alright in there?

K : Well I was practicing my serve.

G : Ah, I can see the problem…your grip’s all wrong. You need to make a ‘v’ with your forefinger and thumb,like this……Where does it hurt?

K : Here.

G : Ah yes…..(clicks K into place)

K : Do you know it feels better already. Thank you……?

G : George…..my friends call me Georgey. I’m in the dorm next door.

K : Oh really? What are you studying?

G : Pornology. And you?

K : Escapology…Er, Kenneth. Well thank you….Georgey.

G : Now are you sure you’re alright? (Repeat/echo)

 

Back to present

 

K : Yes I’m fine. Right, I’ll get Jessica to warm this up for lunch. In the meantime a nice cup of tea in the library.

G : Marvellous!

K : Actually, bugger the tea, how about some champagne in the banqueting hall?

G : Even better. Kenneth, old boy, would you mind awfully if I popped up to my boudoir to change my shoes? They’re bloody crippling me.

K : Of course not old bean.  (G exits)……Jessica! Jessica, I need you to heat up this sort of chickeny lunchy thing…it’s heavenly. (Repeat/echo)

 

Scene 4 - Flashback

 

Anna sobbing at the table. J enters with sheet music, Goes to Anna.

 

J : Oh, lady Anna, whatever be the matter. I’ve never seen you so distressed before.

A : Oh, Jessicsa, daddy’s throwing a ball tonight.

J : I know that my lovely, I’ve been setting up all day.

A : But it’s all for me Jessica. Daddy wants me to find a husband.

J : He only wants what’s best for you my lovely.

A : But he doesn’t know what’s burning in here, Jessica! (Clasping J’s hand to her bossom).

K : You do seem rather hot, Lady Anna, shall I get you a glass of lemonade?

A : I’m a young passionate woman! I’m on fire with flaming desire! I’m a boulder hurtling down a mountainside that no-one can stop! I’m strapped to the back of a steaming train being chased by marauding Indians!

J : I think I need that glass of lemonade too.

A : Oh Jessica, I want to fall in love for me, not for daddy. I want it to be mysterious, passionate, exciting, just like it is in the books!

J : Oh I don’t be reading those sorts of books no more, Lady Anna, not since the schoolmaster found me fingering my way through a volume of…are you sure you don’t want that glass of lemonade?

A : Oh Jessica! How could you possibly understand? You’ve never been in love.

J : (After short pause). Well, as it happens I was once.

A : Oh Jessica, you dark horse! How did it happen?

J : Oh, it was a long time ago now. Before you were born.. It all started with me picking strawberries, walking down this country lane. Then I saw her, this vision of loveliness. Elaine, her name was.

A : And was she beautiful Jessica?

J : Oh she were the fairest flower in all the field. So we carried on walking, every Sunday after church, picking strawberries. She’d bring her basket from home, see, we’d have it full by evening time. We walked for hours we did but we didn’t care, we were so in love.

A : So what happened?

J : Well, you see this strawberry thing blossomed into a great big business. Before too long we needed a horse and cart. So I buys them, lovely mare she was, named her Jessica as well. …anyway, there we were, trundling down that very same country lane, drinking happily from a flagon of cider, when I took this bend too quickly. Poor Elaine flew straight off the side of the tractor. She lay there in the ditch, her head cracked wide open….I’ve never forgiven myself, Lady Anna, see it was all my fault…….sobs.

 

A helps J to his feet and leads him off, comforting him

 

A : Oh Jessica it’s not your fault. You didn’t mean to kill her wrecklessly in the prime of her youth while in a drunken haze and destroy the lives of all belonging to her forever more.

J : Oh, her brains were splattered everywhere, it were such a mess.

 

J re-enters with puppet A.

 

J : You’ve been a great comfort to me, Lady Anna, thank you kindly. Now you just sit down there and be your lovely fragrant self. Drink, be merry and……if you need anything you know where I am. 

My lords, ladies and gentleman, I give you Lord Finborough of……… Finborough.

 

Enter Fin. Fanfare for each lord

 

Fin : Lady Anna, good evening. May I take this opportunity to say how very radiant you are looking, as ever.

 

No response

 

Fin : I would like to present you with this small gift, a token of my affection.

 

No response

 

Fin : I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave it with the footman.

J : My lords, ladies and gentleman, Lord Devon of……Devon.

 

Enter Devon

 

Dev : Lady Anna, may I just say, with my hand on my heart, that I have never seen you look as splendid as you do this evening.

 

No response

 

Dev : Yes, well, allow me to present you with this humble offering. It’s been in the family for twelve generations.

 

No response

 

Dev : I’ll tell you what, I’ll leave it with the footman. (Exits)

J : My lords, ladies and gentleman, I give you Lord Llanfairpwllgwyngychgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch of……..Wales

 

Enter Lord Llanfair

 

Lord Llan : Lady Anna, may I say ……Chris de Burgh.

 

No response

 

Lord Llan : I brought you these. I hope you get some use out of them.

 

No response

 

Lord Llan : I’ll tell you what, I’ll give them to the footman.

J : My lords, ladies and gentlemen, I give you Kenneth……Kenneth.

 

K enters and bows. Enter G

 

G : Kenneth!

K : Ah, Georgey!

G : Awfully sorry I’m late old chap. The breaks ceased on my carriage.

K : Yes, it’s a damned nuisance, happens all the time.

 

Both look at Lady Anna.

 

G : Ding dong…is that…?

K : Certainly is.

 

Both run over

 

K : Lady Anna may I say you’re looking as delectable as ever. (Uneasy silence) This is my good friend Georgey, you may have seen him on the polo field.

G : It’s a great honour to meet you lady Anna.

K : I, of course, need no introduction. …..Tell you what, why don’t I go and grab some champers.

G : No, I’ll go.

K : No, I’ll go.

G : Please let me go.

K : No no, I insist old boy.

 

Exits

 

Pause

(2005. december 01.)