One Set To Love
Scene 7
K : (Practicing his proposal)
Right
.Lady
Anna, there comes a time in every mans life when he must fly the nest..and create a new nest
will you be my bird? Oh Kenneth you
cant possibly say that! Lady Anna, the time has come for me to reveal my true
feelings
..I have no issue with facial hair. Oh! Good God man, thats even
worse. Lady Anna, may I say you look as sumptuous as ever
A : Hello Kenneth.
K : Ah, Lady Anna, may I say you suck as
lumptuous as ever!
.You look as sumptuous as ever!
A : Thank you Kenneth.
K : You know, Lady Anna, I would never harm
one hair on your pretty little head.
A : Yes I know Kenneth, because if father
found out hed string you up by your testicles, tear off your skin..
K : ..and roll me in
salt. (They have a little chuckle)
A : So how was father?
K : Oh, he was his normal cheery self.
A : You know I just wanted to apologise for
the other day, boating in the park. Im sorry we started without you but I so
desperately wanted to get on the lake and you were so dreadfully late.
K : Yes, well never mind all that.
A : I fell in you know.
K : Yes I know.
A : Twice actually.
K : Yes, I know.
A : I got soaking wet.
K : Well you would do wouldnt you!
G : Georgey saved me.
K : Well three cheers for Georgey!! What an
intruiging statuette. I dont believe I noticed that before.
A : Yes, the woman in it is modelled on my
great great grandmother.
K : Spend a lot of time in
A : Oh yes, she married the Marharishi.
K : What a fine couple they must have made.
A : Yes, they were known as the
K : What a wonderful collection of books.
Heres an interesting title Love and Marriage a Pictorial History. Good
Lord. Have you ever thought about it Lady Anna?
A : About what, Kenneth?
K : You know, matrimony, marriage, two people
together..forever..
A : Yes, Ive thought about it, of course.
K : And may I be so bold as to ask if you have
somebody in mind?
A : I might have.
K : And might I be right in thinking he was
at the ball the other night?
A : You might be.
K : And might I also be right in thinking you
danced with this gentleman?
A : I might have.
K : And could you trust this man if
surrounded by a mob of blood-thirsty natives in the farthest-flung outpost of
His Majestys Empire?
A : Most definitely.
K goes down on his knees.
K : Then Lady Anna, I would be honoured.
A : Kenneth what are you doing? Get up you
fool, the servants might see you!
K : But I thought you meant me.
A : What you?
K : Yes, me.
A : What, you and me?
K : Yes, me and you.
A : Oh Kenneth, thats priceless! (Laughs a lot, K joins in until..)
K : Yes alright Anna.
A : Sorry Kenneth.
K : But if not me than who?
A : Someone youre very close to.
K : Really?
A : Someone you know really well.
K : I cant think.
A : Oh come on Kenneth! Someone you do all
your manly things with.
K : Your father?!
A : Kenneth thats disgusting. Oh come on!
Hes tall, hes broad, hes got gorgeous green eyes, hes too handsome for
words, hes simply irresistable.
K : I still dont get it.
A : Oh for Gods sake its your friend! Oh
come on, Kenneth, youve only got one!
K : Georgey.
A : Im terribly sorry Kenneth.
K : Georgey
.Georgey.
Voice-over
K : And in that moment my world collapsed
around me Georgey. Consumed by a heady cocktail of grief and anger I stormed
out of the house and did what any self-respecting Englishman would do I went
for another cocktail, followed swiftly by four warm flagons of nutty brown ale,
three glasses of port, two dry sherries and one
Bacardi Breezer lime flavour. I was raging, I was roaring like a wild animal.
A man possessed. When I stumbled into the faiground I had to vent my anger so
I headed directly for the shoot-the-duck stall. I had to patiently wait my
turn while a charming young school boy took playful pot-shots with little
success.
Scene 8
Young Boy hits ducks with both shots
K : Right, come on Sonny, hand it over!
Young Boy : No, I havent finished yet, its my turn.
K : Hand it over I said, Ill show you a
thing or two about shooting! (Takes gun and misses,
both ricochet)
YB : Give it back, give it back you big bully
or Ill tell my father.
K : Go and get your bloody father, Ill sort
him out too! Now bugger off or Ill put manners in you!
YB : You horrible man
you fat cunt!
K : Im not fat! Oh Georgie! Georgie! Or
should I say Judas! And to think that only yesterday you used the word friend!
Anna! Anna! Or should I say
.Judas! And to think, you sat there at the ball
quiet as a church mouse, so angelic, so pure, before you seduced me onto the
dancefloor like the jezebel that you truly are! To think I got down on my
bended knee and offered you my life! But worse, far worse than that
.youve got me talking out loud to myself!
Voice-Over
K : Shooting ducks was clearly far too
simple, Georgey. I needed a real challenge, something a little more physical,
manly, dangerous. Men, women and children were pushed
aside as I made my way to the boxing booth. The rules were simple no biting,
no low blows, no dead arms, chinese burns or pulling
hair. Last three rounds with Wild Wilf the Willesden Widow-Maker and win ten
guineas. When Wild Wilf emerged from his corner I gave a disdainful laugh. He was
clearly no match for me. Georgey, I was utterly fearless.
We see the mighty Wilf. K is petrified.
K
: Oh fuuuuuuuuuck!
Tries to turn and go but is grabbed by Wilf and pummelled mercilessly.
Voice Over
K : After giving Wild Wilf the beating of his
life I went in search of more booze. I stumbled into what I thought was the
beer tent. Imagine my surprise, Georgey, when I was confronted by a large Welsh
medium Mystic Megan.
Inside Mystic Megans tent
Fortune Teller : I knew you were coming. Cross the palm
with silver. Or notes are acceptable.
K does so and hand comes away.
FT : Its all becoming very clear
its
de-misting.
K : Is it really?
FT : Well start with your career. I see a
change, a new opportunity, overseas,
K : You must be able to tell me some good news!
FT : Oh no, its fading..its
fading.
K puts more money in palm
FT : Ah, its coming back, its coming back. I
see youre deeply in love.
K : I dont want to hear this. (Goes to leave and FT stops him with fake hand)
FT : No but you must hear it. The one you love
will be wed before the month is out.
K : Whats the date today?
FT : 28th February.
K : Well is it a leap year?
FT : Yes it is. The one you love will travel
far and wide, cross many continents, sail many seas, from the deepest darkest
jungles to the highest mountain peaks.
K : But thats ridiculous! How could you
possibly know that?
FT : Oh they were both in my tent earlier.
K : What?!
FT : A nice couple, Georgey and Anna I think
their names were.
K : Yes, I know their bloody names!
FT : Yes, theyre off to gay
(K Goes to exit)
K :
FT : Eh, give me me hand back!
K : Oh sorry.
Voice Over
K : So I left the tent, Georgey, and with
the cruel news of you and Anna ringing in my ears I walked out into the cold
night air. And it slowly dawned on me that I was completely sober. (echo/repeat)
Scene 9
Present. At the table again
G : But Kenneth, you must believe me when I
say that I had no idea youd proposed to Anna.
K : Quite frankly, old boy, it came as
something of a shock to me to discover that youd proposed to her.
G : I didnt.
K : What?
G : She proposed to me.
K : But thats unheard of. That was
G : I looked for you everywhere, Kenneth. I
really wanted you to be at the wedding.
K : How could I possibly have been there? Did
my heart-rending fairground flashback just now pass you by completely? You cant cant imagine the emotional state I was in.
G : But you simply disappeared. Youre my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I naturally
wanted you to be my best man.
K : I just couldnt face it Georgey.
G : But I had to ask Pinky. I hadnt seen
Pinky since
K : That was Pinky?
G : What?
K : How was the speech?.
G : Shocking.
K : Still got the impediment?
G : Yes.
K : So, how was the day?
G : It was the happiest day of my life
Kenneth. A clear blue sky, the church was packed to the rafters, and Anna
looked delightful. (echo/repeat)
Flashback
G waiting at the alter Enter A
A : Im here darling.
G : Yes I know but wheres Kenneth?
A : Look, you tried darling. You went to his
house, you went to his club, you went to his prostitiute and even she doesnt
know where he is. Hes gone Georgey. If he were a true friend hed be here but
he isnt. Now, this our day, lets enjoy it.
G : Youre probably right
..Ill just have
one more look in the One Set To Love and Ill be right back.
A : Look you little shit! This is my day. Im
here, Kenneth isnt. Now put that fat fool out of your mind.
G : Hes not fat.
A : I wont have another word
ah, sorry
father. (the vicar).
G : I, Georgey, take thee, Anna, to be my
lawful wedded wife.
A : I, Anna, take thee, Georgey, to be my
lawful wedded husband.
G : To have and to hold, to love and to
cherish, from this day forward, till death do us part.
A : Me too.
G gets the ring and puts it on Anna, A does the same
G : What now?
They embrace, snog and exit
Photo session
Photographer : Right, just the bride and groom to start
with. (Takes photo) If we could have immediate family now
please. If someone could wheel the brides mother to
the front. (Photo) And now well have everybody except the chubby
little oik with the awful wig smile please!! And one last one of the happy
couple no tongues please its a family album! (Photographer
reveals himself to be Ken)
Voice-Over
K : They didnt see through my disguise.
Fritz the photographer had clearly worked. There was no stopping me now. On to
(2005. december 01.)