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One Set To Love

‘Too Woo is To Wait’ is a Working Title Alwight

 

Scene 7

 

K : (Practicing his proposal)

Right….Lady Anna, there comes a time in every man’s life when he must fly the nest..and create a new nest…will you be my bird? Oh Kenneth you can’t possibly say that! Lady Anna, the time has come for me to reveal my true feelings…..I have no issue with facial hair. Oh! Good God man, that’s even worse. Lady Anna, may I say you look as sumptuous as ever…

A : Hello Kenneth.

K : Ah, Lady Anna, may I say you suck as lumptuous as ever! …….You look as sumptuous as ever!

A : Thank you Kenneth.

K : You know, Lady Anna, I would never harm one hair on your pretty little head.

A : Yes I know Kenneth, because if father found out he’d string you up by your testicles, tear off your skin..

K : ..and roll me in salt. (They have a little chuckle)

A : So how was father?

K : Oh, he was his normal cheery self.

A : You know I just wanted to apologise for the other day, boating in the park. I’m sorry we started without you but I so desperately wanted to get on the lake and you were so dreadfully late.

K : Yes, well never mind all that.

A : I fell in you know.

K : Yes I know.

A : Twice actually.

K : Yes, I know.

A : I got soaking wet.

K : Well you would do wouldn’t you!

G : Georgey saved me.

K : Well three cheers for Georgey!! What an intruiging statuette. I don’t believe I noticed that before.

A : Yes, the woman in it is modelled on my great great grandmother.

K : Spend a lot of time in India did she?

A : Oh yes, she married the Marharishi.

K : What a fine couple they must have made.

A : Yes, they were known as the Lahore lovers, the Calcutta carressers. The Faiselbad fuck….

K : What a wonderful collection of books. Here’s an interesting title – ‘Love and Marriage – a Pictorial History’. Good Lord. Have you ever thought about it Lady Anna?

A : About what, Kenneth?

K : You know, matrimony, marriage, two people together..forever..

A : Yes, I’ve thought about it, of course.

K : And may I be so bold as to ask if you have somebody in mind?

A : I might have.

K : And might I be right in thinking he was at the ball the other night?

A : You might be.

K : And might I also be right in thinking you danced with this gentleman?

A : I might have.

K : And could you trust this man if surrounded by a mob of blood-thirsty natives in the farthest-flung outpost of His Majesty’s Empire?

A : Most definitely.

 

K goes down on his knees.

 

K : Then Lady Anna, I would be honoured.

A : Kenneth what are you doing? Get up you fool, the servants might see you!

K : But I thought you meant me.

A : What you?

K : Yes, me.

A : What, you and me?

K : Yes, me and you.

A : Oh Kenneth, that’s priceless! (Laughs a lot, K joins in until..)

K : Yes alright Anna.

A : Sorry Kenneth.

K : But if not me than who?

A : Someone you’re very close to.

K : Really?

A : Someone you know really well.

K : I can’t think.

A : Oh come on Kenneth! Someone you do all your manly things with.

K : Your father?!

A : Kenneth that’s disgusting. Oh come on! He’s tall, he’s broad, he’s got gorgeous green eyes, he’s too handsome for words, he’s simply irresistable.

K : I still don’t get it.

A : Oh for God’s sake it’s your friend! Oh come on, Kenneth, you’ve only got one!

K : Georgey.

A : I’m terribly sorry Kenneth.

K : Georgey….Georgey.

 

Voice-over

 

K : And in that moment my world collapsed around me Georgey. Consumed by a heady cocktail of grief and anger I stormed out of the house and did what any self-respecting Englishman would do – I went for another cocktail, followed swiftly by four warm flagons of nutty brown ale, three glasses of port, two dry sherries and one Bacardi Breezer – lime flavour. I was raging, I was roaring like a wild animal. A man possessed. When I stumbled into the faiground I had to vent my anger – so I headed directly for the ‘shoot-the-duck’ stall. I had to patiently wait my turn while a charming young school boy took playful pot-shots with little success.

 

Scene 8

 

Young Boy hits ducks with both shots

 

K : Right, come on Sonny, hand it over!

Young Boy : No, I haven’t finished yet, it’s my turn.

K : Hand it over I said, I’ll show you a thing or two about shooting! (Takes gun and misses, both ricochet)

YB : Give it back, give it back you big bully or I’ll tell my father.

K : Go and get your bloody father, I’ll sort him out too! Now bugger off or I’ll put manners in you!

YB : You horrible man…you fat cunt!

K : I’m not fat! Oh Georgie! Georgie! Or should I say Judas! And to think that only yesterday you used the word friend! Anna! Anna! Or should I say….Judas! And to think, you sat there at the ball quiet as a church mouse, so angelic, so pure, before you seduced me onto the dancefloor like the jezebel that you truly are! To think I got down on my bended knee and offered you my life! But worse, far worse than that….you’ve got me talking out loud to myself!

 

Voice-Over

 

K : “Shooting ducks was clearly far too simple, Georgey. I needed a real challenge, something a little more physical, manly, dangerous. Men, women and children were pushed aside as I made my way to the boxing booth. The rules were simple – no biting, no low blows, no dead arms, chinese burns or pulling hair. Last three rounds with Wild Wilf the Willesden Widow-Maker and win ten guineas. When Wild Wilf emerged from his corner I gave a disdainful laugh. He was clearly no match for me. Georgey, I was utterly fearless”.

 

We see the mighty Wilf. K is petrified.

 

K : Oh fuuuuuuuuuck!

 

Tries to turn and go but is grabbed by Wilf and pummelled mercilessly.

 

Voice Over

 

K : After giving Wild Wilf the beating of his life I went in search of more booze. I stumbled into what I thought was the beer tent. Imagine my surprise, Georgey, when I was confronted by a large Welsh medium – Mystic Megan.

 

Inside Mystic Megan’s tent

 

Fortune Teller : I knew you were coming. Cross the palm with silver. Or notes are acceptable.

 

K does so and hand comes away.

 

FT : It’s all becoming very clear…it’s de-misting.

K : Is it really?

FT : We’ll start with your career. I see a change, a new opportunity, overseas, Nairobi – well, when I say Nairobi I actually mean a small village by the name of Lumpopo. I see a celebration, you’re the guest of honour….oh dear. Never mind, there’s always health…ooh, Jesus Christ.….(looks worried and crosses herself)

K : You must be able to tell me some good news!

FT : Oh no, it’s fading..it’s fading.

 

K puts more money in palm

 

FT : Ah, it’s coming back, it’s coming back. I see you’re deeply in love.

K : I don’t want to hear this. (Goes to leave and FT stops him with fake hand)

FT : No but you must hear it. The one you love will be wed before the month is out.

K : What’s the date today?

FT : 28th February.

K : Well is it a leap year?

FT : Yes it is. The one you love will travel far and wide, cross many continents, sail many seas, from the deepest darkest jungles to the highest mountain peaks.

K : But that’s ridiculous! How could you possibly know that?

FT : Oh they were both in my tent earlier.

K : What?!

FT : A nice couple, Georgey and Anna I think their names were.

K : Yes, I know their bloody names!

FT : Yes, they’re off to gay Paris on their honeymoon.

(K Goes to exit)

K : Paris! Honeymoon! Honeymoon!

FT : Eh, give me me hand back!

K : Oh sorry.

 

Voice Over

 

K : “So I left the tent, Georgey, and with the cruel news of you and Anna ringing in my ears I walked out into the cold night air. And it slowly dawned on me that I was completely sober”.  (echo/repeat)

 

Scene 9

 

Present. At the table again

 

G : But Kenneth, you must believe me when I say that I had no idea you’d proposed to Anna.

K : Quite frankly, old boy, it came as something of a shock to me to discover that you’d proposed to her.

G : I didn’t.

K : What?

G : She proposed to me.

K : But that’s unheard of. That was England in 1922!

G : I looked for you everywhere, Kenneth. I really wanted you to be at the wedding.

K : How could I possibly have been there? Did my heart-rending fairground flashback just now pass you by completely? You can’t can’t imagine the emotional state I was in.

G : But you simply disappeared. You’re my bestest friend in the whole wide world. I naturally wanted you to be my best man.

K : I just couldn’t face it Georgey.

G : But I had to ask Pinky. I hadn’t seen Pinky since Oxford. The years hadn’t been kind to him. Terrible wig.

K : That was Pinky?

G : What?

K : How was the speech?.

G : Shocking.

K : Still got the impediment?

G : Yes.

K : So, how was the day?

G : It was the happiest day of my life Kenneth. A clear blue sky, the church was packed to the rafters, and Anna looked delightful. (echo/repeat)

 

Flashback

 

G waiting at the alter Enter A

 

A : I’m here darling.

G : Yes I know but where’s Kenneth?

A : Look, you tried darling. You went to his house, you went to his club, you went to his prostitiute and even she doesn’t know where he is. He’s gone Georgey. If he were a true friend he’d be here but he isn’t. Now, this our day, let’s enjoy it.

G : You’re probably right…..I’ll just have one more look in the ‘One Set To Love’ and I’ll be right back.

A : Look you little shit! This is my day. I’m here, Kenneth isn’t. Now put that fat fool out of your mind.

G : He’s not fat.

A : I won’t have another word……ah, sorry father. (the vicar).

G : I, Georgey, take thee, Anna, to be my lawful wedded wife.

A : I, Anna, take thee, Georgey, to be my lawful wedded husband.

G : To have and to hold, to love and to cherish, from this day forward, till death do us part.

A : Me too.

 

G gets the ring and puts it on Anna, A does the same

 

G : What now? 

 

They embrace, snog  and exit

 

Photo session

 

Photographer : Right, just the bride and groom to start with. (Takes photo) If we could have immediate family now please. If someone could wheel the brides mother to the front. (Photo) And now we’ll have everybody – except the chubby little oik with the awful wig – smile please!! And one last one of the happy couple – no tongues please it’s a family album! (Photographer reveals himself to be Ken)

 

Voice-Over

 

K : “They didn’t see through my disguise. Fritz the photographer had clearly worked. There was no stopping me now. On to Paris where it was time for another disguise. Enter Antoine!”

(2005. december 01.)