“It’s time for revelations,
the hour to scrutinize the reckoning
the steward made up in the master’s absence.”
(Imre Madách)
Characters:
THE MAN
THE WOMAN
VOICES
ADAM’S VOICE
EVE’S VOICE
THE LORD’S VOICE
Towards the end of The Tragedy of Man, Adam, the first man, encounters the survivors of humanity – beyond the concluding catastrophe of world history, beyond the destruction of the natural environment, and also beyond a wave of population explosion that already equals extinction. Adam is alarmed at the confrontation, and flees. His panic is increased by the fact that the Woman, the last Eve on Earth, wanted his love and the Man funcioned as a procurer. Yet Adam ran away too soon, and the last human couple has been left alone. The curtain goes down. The Tragedy continues at another scene.
In it, the last human couple makes its appearance again. Only the scene starts where Madách left off.
During the scene, snippets of conversation can now and then be heard from the ongoing Tragedy. Does it indeed continue somewhere? Will God really provide some explanation for what has happened when humanity is one foot in the grave? Or is it just our theatre memories playing with us? Who knows?
The end-of-the-world situation is unusual enough to allow other unusual things to happen.
This two-person idyll of the last human couple is intended as a warning. The escalation smuggles destruction, camouflaged as ordinariness and familiarity, into our proximity. This idyll wants to warn us before it is too late: there has only been one humanity.
(1968)
•••
That particular lightless scarlet sphere above the actors’ heads will do as set.
To the side is a weekend cottage. Appropriate aluminum furniture in front of it. A curtain at the back, slowly closing just now. We see the reverse of the curtain, from the stage.
The sounds we hear from time to time are theatrical, hollow, and echoing. They are carried here from another space.
ADAM’S VOICE
“Shall I who fondled an Aspasia,
embrace this one…!
Help! Help! Lucifer! Get me out of here!
Back to the present time. Confound the future!
I’ve had enough of sights, this pointless struggle
with destiny…”
(Sound fades out.)
(The Man and the Woman stand side by side, as if they were looking after someone leaving. They are young, in civilian clothes. Next to them, if you like, is the furry Eskimo garb, thrown on the ground.)
THE MAN
He’s quit. Good for him.
THE WOMAN
Do you envy him?… Am I really so horrible? Am I?
THE MAN
We are. We are horrible. We’re the most horrible human couple in the world. Or if you want it that way: the most lovable human couple in the world. And the most beautiful human couple in the world. And the ugliest human couple in the world… The only one human couple in the world. Now we’re top in everything. No more competition. For example, we can safely say that you’re the most elegant woman in the world. We’ve lived to see this.
THE WOMAN
We scared him off. When he saw
me.
THE MAN
Don’t worry sweetheart, you’ll never ever scare anyone off again. That was the last human-like visitor we had. (trying to be funny) If there were still a lot of people around to scare, we wouldn’t be so scary. You know what the absolute scare is? A scarecrow without crows.
THE WOMAN
Why did he get scared of me?
THE MAN
You’re imagining things.
THE WOMAN
Who was it?
THE MAN
What do I know? The forefather of humanity, coming to pay a farewell visit to the last representatives of mankind.
THE WOMAN
Stop making these jokes!
THE MAN
If I’d said to you a few months ago in bed when we turned off the light on the nightstand: honey, imagine, we will be the last couple in the world, wouldn’t that’ve been a joke?
THE WOMAN
You’re always saying these kinds of things. You have an itch for such nonsense ideas.
THE MAN
I tried to keep up with world history. Unfortunately, it got ahead of me… Remember what I said when we saw the pope praying for peace on television?
THE WOMAN
I couldn’t care less, no matter what you said. It bored me to death. I have no sense for such wit… But if you think that anything absurd may happen now, why couldn’t our visitor come back?
THE MAN
(a little more gently) Because it was just a memory.
(He draws the Woman closer.)
(Some noise can be heard, as if people were clapping.)
THE WOMAN
Do you hear that? They’re clapping…
THE MAN
Do you think so? Last night, imagine, I woke up to a tram bell. I checked my watch. It was two o’clock. Trams still running at two in the morning? Strange, I thought.
THE WOMAN
Shame you didn’t wake me. How nice it would’ve been to hear a tram bell again… With you.
THE MAN
You might not even have heard it… Only my ears were ringing.
THE WOMAN
Why? We’ve both heard this applause, too. We can hallucinate together. I wonder who they’ve been clapping for.
THE MAN
Not for us. Trust me!
THE WOMAN
They’ve been clapping for him. For having escaped from here. They’re celebrating him.
THE MAN
Did you like him?… Our visitor?
THE WOMAN
(She smiles, shrugging.)
THE MAN
Would you’ve liked him?
THE WOMAN
You’re silly. You said yourself that he was just a memory… Maybe not even real.
THE MAN
But an exciting memory!
THE WOMAN
(laughing) You’re not jealous, are you? Starting just in time! Come on, let’s dance!… Put on the record!
THE MAN
I’m not dancing.
THE WOMAN
Why not?
THE MAN
I don’t feel like it.
THE WOMAN
You never feel like doing anything… That’s no way to live! (She sits down.)
(She spreads out a crappy newspaper, takes out a pencil and, clearly, works on a crossword puzzle.)
THE MAN
While there was still music to be found on the radio – I couldn’t complain. But to play that antiquated phonograph! With that lousy needle! The one and only creaking record… (He starts singing angrily.) “After the ball, reminiscing…”
THE WOMAN
Enough already!… Latin greeting. Three letters.
THE MAN
Tell me! How many times have you solved the same crossword puzzle?
THE WOMAN
Why? Could you possibly edit new ones for me?
THE MAN
I couldn’t.
ADAM’S VOICE
“Terrible sight, what has become of you?
The world is happy and alive again
as I left it …”.
(Pause.)
THE MAN
(somewhat hoarsely) Ave. The greeting in Latin… Did you hear?… The voice.
THE WOMAN
Did you too?
THE MAN
Yea.
THE WOMAN
What are these voices?
THE MAN
No idea… Memories.
THE WOMAN
Like an echo… Will we also continue echoing when we’re gone?
THE MAN
For whom?
(Silence.)
THE WOMAN
Oh, sure.
THE MAN
It’s more as if the performance was continuing somewhere.
THE WOMAN
Somewhere where?
THE MAN
Not somewhere, but sometime… In time. “The world is happy and alive again…” We’ve had that, too. Do you remember?… In another time.
THE WOMAN
No! And I don’t even want to remember! I’m already fed up with memories. (She buries herself in the newspaper.) How did you say it? Ave?
THE MAN
The Latin greeting is also a memory. The gladiators who’re about to die salute the emperor. Ave!
THE WOMAN
But I have nothing to do with it! I wasn’t an emperor, nor a gladiator! It’s a sterile memory. Ave.
THE MAN
That’s why we’re just as mortal as the gladiators. If not more… As a final salutation, we write in the blank squares of a crossword puzzle: Ave.
THE WOMAN
(She crumples up the newspaper.)
THE MAN
How’re you going to amuse yourself tomorrow?
THE WOMAN
(She goes over to him) With you.
THE MAN
You know what? Go and feed the cockroaches. They’re a lot more creative than I am. They grow day by day and multiply superbly. The radiation has done them good. Maybe one day they shall inherit the whole earth. I wonder if they’ll ever create anything like the philosophy of St. Thomas.
THE WOMAN
It’s no use. I’ve reached a point where not even these jokes of yours bother me. No matter how I try, they don’t bother me. I can even laugh at them. I guess it’s a sign of love.
THE MAN
Beware! I myself may not be more than a memory. I don’t want to deceive you. After all, we really loved each other at one time… (Looks at her.) In another time.
THE WOMAN
Give it a try… This time, too.
THE MAN
But I’m also a sterile memory, dear. A memory just for you.
THE WOMAN
(Suddenly she gives him a slap.)
THE MAN
(Starts to laugh silently.)
THE WOMAN
What’re you laughing at?
THE MAN
That there isn’t even a law court to divorce us. There’s not a single divorce lawyer in the entire solar system, either. And there’s no loyal friend to spill your heart to in a café.
THE WOMAN
(frustrated, she explodes) I can’t take it! I can’t take it! Where’s the one who used to be here?… Come back! Hey! Why did he go away? Why did he leave me here?… I can’t take it anymore! It’s impossible to stand … This indifference! It’s impossible… Let everyone hear!
THE MAN
No one will come back.
THE WOMAN
They will, they will… They must… Is there nobody to hear me? (She starts to cry quietly.)
THE MAN
I am here.
THE WOMAN
Go away! With your cynical jokes…
THE MAN
The most cynical joke was when you talked me into not having any more children.
THE WOMAN
What do you want now? Do you enjoy tormenting me?
THE MAN
I only returned the slap. It wasn’t much of a pleasure.
THE WOMAN
I talked you into it, fine. And what about me?… Every newspaper is full of pictures of how a modern woman does not mess around giving birth. It was full of it. How happy the mother is who plans her parenthood. That it’s up to us to halt the population explosion. Too many children… That the earth will be jam-packed in the year two thousand…
THE MAN
We really don’t need to worry about that now, darling.
THE WOMAN
And we needed the premium, too.
THE MAN
What did we need it for?
THE WOMAN
I don’t know. We just needed it.
(She sits stiffly.)
THE MAN
We planned the family. Spent the premium for sterilization. Don’t count on me in the redesign of humanity now.
THE WOMAN
Maybe the amount of radiation that’s hit us since then…
THE MAN
Do you think it’ll work miracles? Will I become a new patriarch?
THE WOMAN
We must try.
THE MAN
Just what we need!
THE WOMAN
Get out the kids’ photo! Why’re you always hiding it?
THE MAN
Do you think we’d have the same children again?… They’ll be monsters! If we have them! But we won’t!
THE WOMAN
What will they be like? Still…
THE MAN
(shouting in frustration) Maybe they won’t have arms or legs. Remember the thalidomide babies? They were like seals.
THE WOMAN
Go ahead!… So?
THE MAN
It’s nonsense! Do you want to torture yourself with this, too?
THE WOMAN
No way! Talk about them… (She laughs.)
(Silence.)
THE MAN
What’s wrong with you?
THE WOMAN
I imagined I’m breastfeeding a little one like this.
(Silence.)
THE MAN
(He sits down and speaks to himself) Humanity is going to perish eventually anyway, I said to myself. If it happens now, at least I’ll see the greatest event in world history… The end of the world. The trumpets will sound… But who would’ve thought it’d be like this? Such a nonevent. Just like the life of a childless couple.
THE WOMAN
(just stands, blankly) Tell me, is it really that awful being here with me?
THE MAN
Shush! Shut your mouth!… I was talking to that. To the speech.
(Silence.)
Your friend’s also beginning to lose his unshakable optimism. I’m really happy about that… He’s starting to suspect what if this isn’t the best of all possible worlds after all? Did you listen?
THE WOMAN
Don’t change the subject!
THE MAN
When I was a child, I read an article about the giant tortoises of the Galápagos. On the occasion that they just were just going extinct. There was even a photo of them. They looked terrifyingly sad. Visibly, every giant tortoise knew that they were dying out right then.
ADAM’S VOICE
“No! No! That is untrue. My will is free.”
THE MAN
(He jumps up.) This is too much! Shut up over there! I’ve told you.
(Silence.)
All radio stations’ve long gone silent. And there he’s starting it right now. Can’t I have a peaceful end of the world?
THE WOMAN
You’re so witty… Well?
THE MAN
Well, why do you want me to be more cheerful than the giant tortoises were in a similar situation? Tell me, really, isn’t it a shame for this poor humanity? Wouldn’t it deserve a little mourning? “It is with profound sadness and a broken heart that we announce the unexpected death in its prime of our only and promising species.” It’s not customary to write that it’s committed suicide. You could perhaps write “under tragic circumstances”, which is accurate.
THE WOMAN
How did it actually happen?
THE MAN
Step by step. We were only ankle-deep in it first. Traffic accidents, weather forecasts, war reports. Ran out in front of the bus within braking distance. Was driving drunk. The heatwave came. Carried out bombing on a larger scale than ever before. That’s how the news was coming. For years and years. The same every day. We got used to it. And then all of a sudden we were neck-deep in it.
THE WOMAN
Tell me, do you think the kids knew?
THE MAN
Knew what?
THE WOMAN
That they were born in vain.
THE MAN
Maybe that’s why they didn’t behave themselves. Every one protests the way they can. (As the woman stirs to go toward the cottage) Where’re you going?
THE WOMAN
To get changed.
(away into the cottage.)
THE MAN
(He takes out his wallet, pulls out a photo and puts it down in front of him. Looks at it.)
THE WOMAN
(her voice from inside) What’re you doing?
THE MAN
(staring at the photo, he says incidentally) I’m finishing your crossword…Little girl in Latin. Plural. PUELLAE. Boy in Latin. Singular. PUER.
THE WOMAN
(her voice from inside) You do know everything.
THE MAN
For someone with a degree in engineering. And someone who failed in Latin. (He forces a laugh.) But it seems that all the knowledge of humanity has now landed in my head. And in yours, of course. Don’t you feel that you also know everything? The god of love. Well?
THE WOMAN
(her voice from inside) AMOR!
THE MAN
You ask me now!
THE WOMAN
(her voice) Who was Aspasia?
THE MAN
No way! I know! She was the wife of Pericles. And who was Pericles?
THE WOMAN
(her voice) Aspasia’s husband!
THE MAN
Before you die, you reflect on your entire life. Apparently, so does humanity. And it has rented out our very heads for this purpose. That’s quite something. We’ll have fun. While we’re winding down this last five thousand years!…Recall Napoleon’s battles on long winter evenings! (Suddenly.) Tell me! Do you remember when our little son got his bicycle?
(Silence.)
(looking at the photo) I even added a third wheel to it so he wouldn’t fall. How much afraid we were for him!… Imagine, the highways are still there, and all empty. Now he could ride his bike safely even across the whole world. How the little fool would enjoy it!
(From inside, a cheesy waltz starts playing on a crappy phonograph: “After the ball, reminiscing……”)
THE WOMAN
(Comes out of the cottage. She in an evening dress, with a clumsily done hairstyle, made up. Has, a little defiant, and yet a little apologetic smile.)
THE MAN
You’re truly the most elegant woman in the entire solar system!
(Not even wiping away his previous tears, he laughs.)
THE WOMAN
May I have this dance, sir?
(And since the man does not move, she starts waltzing by herself. She also sings, along with the phonograph.)
After the ball, reminiscing,
Our memories do recall,
Forgetting not a single thing,
That took place at the ball.
Many hearts were left orphaned
When the night began to fall,
The hope of many became a dream
After the ball.
(The phonograph sticks somewhere and repeats.)
(While singing, she speaks to the man) Will you adjust it!
(Continues singing.)
THE MAN
(Jumps up and enters the cottage.)
(The phonograph stops.)
THE WOMAN
(Humming the melody, she continues waltzing.)
THE MAN
(Comes out. In his hand is an old thick phonograph record. He slams it against a stone. It shatters.)
THE WOMAN
(Stops. Gazes at the man uncomprehendingly, speechless.)
THE MAN
I can allow myself to destroy something too, can’t I? (Sits down.)
THE WOMAN
Today’s our wedding anniversary. (She also sits down, shivering.) How the weather’s changed, too.
THE MAN
Maybe a new ice age is coming. (He takes off his jacket. Puts it on the woman.) Not now, of course. In the next twenty thousand years or so… (He sits back in his previous place.) Listen! Those sounds’ve gone quiet, too.
THE WOMAN
They’re offended. ’Cos you shouted at them.
THE MAN
See? I’ve killed all the sounds around us. The universe is moving on. But without sound.
THE WOMAN
When did you last have a dance with me?
THE MAN
New Year’s Eve. We danced until the small hours.
THE WOMAN
I saw a play once. The woman talked her husband into having a baby with her. Remember the details?
THE MAN
No.
THE WOMAN
You said you remember everything.
THE MAN
The achievements of the intellect I do. I can whistle the chorus of the 9th Symphony. But I don’t remember practical things. For example, I couldn’t make a bicycle for our child. Though I have a degree in mechanical engineering. True, I couldn’t make a child, either…
THE WOMAN
But…
THE MAN
There’s no but.
THE WOMAN
In the last act the woman announced she was pregnant. You still don’t remember?
THE MAN
Then it was a Deus ex machina. That doesn’t count. A baby is pulled out of a hat. My tale is told. So that the audience don’t commit suicide in the cloakroom.
EVA’S VOICE
“I am sure you’ll love to hear the news.
I’ll whisper it to you. Come closer! Closer!
Adam, I think I’m going to be a mother.”
(Silence.)
THE MAN
Was that it? At the theatre?
THE WOMAN
No. I don’t think so. Who was that?
THE MAN
The mother of all.
THE WOMAN
Whose mother of all?
THE MAN
Humanity’s. So: yours and mine. Perhaps you don’t know we’re related, my little sister? As you can see, our ancestors are in great shape. They might’ve spent the last few months on some star.
THE WOMAN
I’ll shout, too. That I’m not going to be a mother. All of it’s not true!
THE MAN
Who do you want to shout to? Who will hear it?
THE VOICE OF THE LORD
“Rise, Adam! Rise! Do not give way to grief
I have restored you to a state of grace.”
THE WOMAN
Who’s this? Who was it?
THE MAN
The Lord God. Sure, ’cos he was also on the cards.
THE WOMAN
It’s him we should shout back to!
THE MAN
Hey! God! Where are you?
(Silence.)
He’s deaf.
(Silence.)
THE WOMAN
God! Where are you?
(Silence.)
THE MAN
Has gone dumb. Or doesn’t exist. Never existed. Or if he did, he has died a horrible death.
(Silence.)
But he might as well just be paying the loan back.
THE WOMAN
What loan?
THE MAN
An old loan… God, where are you?! He’s lying low somewhere. Playing hide and seek with us. “God, where are you?” “I was afraid, and I hid myself.” – This is it. He has every reason to be afraid. Your womb is barren. So is the sky.
(Silence.)
THE WOMAN
My God!
THE MAN
Take it easy. There must still be sharks left in the sea. Before your heart breaks.
(Laughs.)
THE WOMAN
Where’s the photo of the kids? Why’re you always hiding it?
THE MAN
There it is on the table.
THE WOMAN
(Slowly gets up, walks over, picks up the photo, looks at it.)
THE MAN
See how sweet they are?
THE WOMAN
They are.
THE MAN
And how sweet the little air-raid trench also was which we’d dug for the baby’s cradle. Remember? (With a laugh tormenting both himself and the woman.) That itsy-bitsy little trench?
THE WOMAN
(Crumples and tears up the photo.)
THE MAN
Are you into destruction, too?
THE WOMAN
They’re forever on your mind, that’s the problem. (Walks over to the man, crouches down beside him.) Brush them off! There’s no one coming into the bedroom. No forefathers, no foremothers, no children. Forget what there used to be. There’s no one, no one. If there was a God, he could see us with his staring eyes set within some triangle. But there isn’t. You said so. There’s no one who could see us. Do you understand already? There’s no one who can spy on our love. From now on, there’s no one we need to be afraid of. I’ll close my eyes, too, if you like. We can do whatever you want. No one, no one can see us anymore.
(Her hand in the man’s lap.)
THE MAN
Tell me, for what did we need that premium we got for family planning?
THE WOMAN
But darling, you bought the bicycle for our son with it.
THE MAN
Right…
THE WOMAN
(whispers) Don’t cry! Don’t get worked up! Try to forget.
THE MAN
Sure.
THE WOMAN
Is this good?
THE MAN
Good… How mankind’s been running itself into the ground! Now it’s over. We can relax. Darwin’s no longer valid. It was valid for half a million years. Struggle for survival.
THE WOMAN
It’s better this way.
THE MAN
Of course. Like once upon a time in paradise.
(Laughs and then makes a tweet, like a blackbird.)
THE WOMAN
Was it you?
THE MAN
Sure.
THE WOMAN
How clever you are. Can you imitate a tram bell ringing?
THE MAN
That’s hard.
THE WOMAN
Remember how packed trams were? I loved packed trams. The one that ran on the boulevard! Such sweet, happy and dizzying tumults were travelling in it. How much people must’ve loved one another!
THE MAN
(with a little malice) Do you think that was the golden age of humanity? There, hanging on the steps of the tram?
THE WOMAN
(unconcerned) Where in the world were there so many people from?
THE MAN
There were.
THE WOMAN
But from where?
THE MAN
Well, they were born.
THE WOMAN
And is it over now?
THE MAN
It’s over.
THE WOMAN
Why?
THE MAN
Because we, fools have forgotten that there is only one humanity.
(Silence.)
There was, rather.
(The light of the glowing red sun has turned dimmer and dimmer. Darkness slowly covers the stage.)
THE WOMAN
(vividly, and more and more vividly) Tell me, my love– what’s happened to the last human couple?
THE MAN
It wasn’t shown. Their visitor’d left them and the curtain came down on them. Apparently, the audience wasn’t interested in them.
THE WOMAN
Sure they did something behind the curtain?
THE MAN
They washed off the makeup and went home to have dinner.
THE WOMAN
And what if they really were the last human couple?
THE MAN
Then they just sat there foolishly, behind the lowered curtain. And waited to see what would happen to them.
(He sits up, stares blankly in front of himself.)
(A little silence.)
THE WOMAN
(also sitting up) What will happen to us?
THE MAN
Nothing any more… Our last visitor’s gone.
THE WOMAN
In fact, we had everything to be happy…
THE MAN
Yea.
(The speech is made in a dignified, theatrical voice. The stage light may brighten a little bit at this point.)
THE VOICE OF THE LORD
“I’ve told you, Man: have faith and do your best!”
(Silence.)
THE WOMAN
You said something?
THE MAN
No… Why? Did you hear something?
THE WOMAN
No.
(Silence.)
THE MAN
Then go and feed the cockroaches. I would like them to outlast us… It does make a difference if there’s someone to remember us… Knows we’ve been around.
(Curtain)
Translated by Nóra Durkó
(01 May 2023)